TheHausoulsDownunder

Initial encounter

When I first found out about our sons encounter with cancer I was perplexed. I did not know what to say, do or even feel. I became numb. Up until now I was able to nurture and look after my son who had turned out to be a well balanced and quite gifted in his academic achievements and experienced a healthy social life. In the past Erik had had some minor accidents which caused some pain which I was able to help him deal with, but now this?...? I did not know what to say. I remember when Erik was about five years old we were in the back yard and some ant had crawled up his legs (quite a number actually) they were only small but it caused him not only distress but the fluid gave him a stinging feeling which made him panicky. I managed to calm Erik and relieve the pain and got rid of the ants by hosing them off and then nurturing my son. All good...

I remember him falling on some gravel and his pain on his hands and legs caused him to cry out for me and I could fix it by attending to his needs and nurturing his childish fear of pain. I fixed it!!

No such thing now, I was completely out of my depth. I did not know anything about cancer, except for the common understandings that it was a terrible condition that could cause certain death. There was no history of cancer in my family except for some lifestyle cancers which caused those diagnosed with it to die within a certain time frame. When Erik broke his collar bone both my wife and I looked after him and concerned ourselves with the pain relief and mental strength required to alleviate the pain (or move the pain barrier from extreme discomfort to tolerable discomfort). No such thing now I was not able to help I was completely lost. I did not even know what it meant and except for the infrequent “feel good” contributions given to the cause (which one of the cancers it was for I wasn’t even sure of) my connection was negligible. Now my son had cancer!!! I remember when he rolled his ankle or hurt his hand or arm, I was able to bandage it and ensure he would be ‘better’, not now, what could I do? I was the father, I am the man of the house, I should be able to do something, yet I was now degraded to handing my son over to strangers and hope they would look after him, and fix him and than give him back to me…

I believe I was scared, scared for my inability, scared for the unknown, scared to help, scared not to do anything, scared for him, scared for me , scared, scared, scared… for the loss of life. I believe those were some of the first emotions rolling through my mind. Our minds are amazing, how they offer images and come to conclusions that are not necessarily true or correct. Death was a true thing in those first few mind waves. Yet I could not understand it, here we were, a healthy 16 and a half year old, full of life ready to face the challenges of early adulthood.

A son truly born from love. The bond between my wife and I was extremely close and conceiving Erik was both a true passionate experience and wholehearted a sought after closeness. Erik’s conception was the sealing of a bond between two people devoted to each other. Love was a part of his growth in him mothers tummy. Love was all around him when he became free from the womb and the umbilical cord was cut by me. Love was there all the way through his early years and throughout his too short a life. Health was also a concern for my wife and I and we ensured a balanced diet combined with regular exercises and holistic teachings about beliefs and respect for nature and humans was part of Erik’s upbringing. And all this now seemed to mean nothing, nothing at all. I could not grasp it.

On top of all this Erik turned out to be a good young man, a person not just liked by all he encountered and touched with his smile and courteous attitude, but some one ready to assist all he came across from the very young who he loved to be with and share his spontaneity with (which made me look forward to imagining him as a father himself) to the elderly who he would always assist and for whom nothing seemed to be too much (which made me look forward to becoming old with my son taking care of me). All these feeling ideas notions never were crossed with the possibility that Erik could die of a cancer in his leg. Yet in the back of my head in the deepest of my mind there was this knowledge that there was the possibility of loosing my son. Numbness…

Then the “journey” started. An evolution of hope mixed with despair; celebrating life and the brief victories over cheating death; dealing with the anxieties of pain and suffering; coming together as a family to dig deep to embrace each other on this path. It lasted only 16 months, from July/ August 2007 to November 7th, 2008. Then it was over. Gone… … …

At the same time in those deepest moments of despair and fear and dealing with the unknown, not understanding it seemed to go on forever. Afterwards it is easy to say that it was brief or short, yet I remember a few instances when time seemed to stand almost still, when the seconds seemed to last forever, when the uncertainty gripped me and I was sitting or standing near my son struggling to live. Some call it survive but he was simply trying to live. His body did not agree though, and whatever the specialists, doctors or professors guessed would help him with next, his body said “its enough”. Erik’s mind was strong, his support was there to keep him strong but I have to say ultimately the damage to his body was too great.

The months have gone by, it seems like yesterday when we gathered for Eriks 18th Birthday. 

We keep ourselves busy which is distracting from the grief we feel every day and we continue to work on our Mind, Body, Soul practices to help us.

On 12th January we drove down to Jenolan Caves and stayed overnight. We went on two walking tours of the caves and a walk in the area, it is a beautiful place to visit and Aimee saw a Platypus in the river.

We also went to Marouba beach one time and another time to Coogee beach.

During February Aimee moved into the room we were renovating. There were some tears because the room was originally being renovated for Erik and memories flooded back of his involvement in the renovation and his plans for the room, it made Erik very happy and many people helped us to make it happen.  We know that of all the people in the world, the person Erik would have wanted to have the room is Aimee.   

Going back to work and school was not easy and Johan and Aimee are now back into the routine. I have started a Secretarial Service from home and have been conducting research for the book, compiling a great deal of useful information and organising what Erik wanted us to do for him and many others who have suffered just as he did.

 My birthday was in February.  I was reticent about it at first because it was my first birthday in 18 years without Erik, but Johan and Aimee wanted me to enjoy my birthday.  We went to a local restaurant with friends which was a pleasant evening.

This is what grieving is partly about, containing and putting the mixed feelings into some sort of perspective - life does go on - but every day we miss our wonderful son and brother.  A friend of ours who lost his wife said that in the beginning he looked for just 1 second in the day where he did not feel devastated and over time, that 1 second became 2, then 3, 4, 5 until it grew into an hour.  Five years have passed now and he never forgets, but in time he was able to think of other things and it is less painful.

3 January 2009:

Like many of his friends, Erik looked forward to his 18th Birthday as a right of passage, a coming of age with new found rights, like being able to legally enter a pub and buy his Dad a beer.  Over the past few years, plans of where to have Eriks 18th birthday party and what format it would take were discussed, it was something to look forward to, a milestone in Eriks life.

Erik wanted to build a bar as his school project for 2008.  Johan and Erik drew up the plans and discussed it several times however, due to the cancer, Erik did not attend school much in 2008 and the bar did not come to fruition.

We put a lot of thought into how we wanted to experience Eriks 18th birthday and when we saw a bar that looked right for our house, we knew it was the right thing to do.  The bar was installed in our living room and we invited Eriks close friends, including their parents and some of our close friends to gather and have a drink to Erik and all the wonderful memories we have of him.

Despite an underlying sadness, the evening flowed with good conversation, some guitar playing and singing by Jarrod, with Matt playing Eriks guitar, (the striped one).  There were bar snacks, both cold and hot with some fairy floss and a chocolate tower with strawberries for dessert.  The bubble blowing for the little and not so little ones included lighting some Star Sparklers.  Towards the end of the night, we ordered some Pizza as the virtual sports games heated up on the Nintendo Wii. 

The 18 orange roses were in full bloom throughout the evening and we know that seeing us come together like this for his special day, would have bought a huge smile to Eriks face.

A special thank you to two families who bought two bottles of wine called Erics Blend.  On the front of the wooden wine boxes was a lovely message to Erik.  We will treasure them and find a place for them in Eriks bar.

We look forward to toasting a drink to Erik on his birthday in the coming years.

(Slideshow of pictures taken on the day is on the Home page of this website).